I love you

The first time I thought I loved you was when you were about to kiss me and my hand went through your blonde hair. Then the sensation of your lips on mine let every possible thought out.

The second time I thought I loved you was when I was sitting waiting for the bus. You spent the night and when I woke you up, you didn’t open your eyes but smiled at me. I kissed your cheek and then you hugged me. The memory made me shudder. I could even feel my cheeks blushing. It was not the moment to have those ideas in mind.

The third time I thought I loved you, first I was thinking in your eyes. We were lying down together on my bed after waking up. We had been trying to get up for at least one hour but it was fine, there was not reason to rush and the time was infinite. I saw your eyes looking at me, I caressed your hair and told to myself “I think I love this guy”. Your eyes were blue at that moment with the sun reflection and my mind recited inside “your pupil is blue and when you smile…”. I thought again “I think I love him, I do”. I felt like I could melt in your arms and I smiled at you because there was nobody who could make feel in the way you did. Nobody… lost in the sensations of you being close to me, you said my name and… there was no other possible answer that “I love you too”.

 

Feliz (?)

He querido a mucha gente a lo largo de mi vida. He querido con todo el corazón y dándolo todo. He conocido a todo tipo de personas, pero tú eres especial. Yo te quiero como nunca he querido a nadie, te quiero con la esperanza de que tú me quieres y mi corazón se siente mecido como con una brisa que solo lo acaricia. Yo te miro a los ojos y siento que todo lo que quiero se encuentra en ellos, solo quiero escuchar tu voz y que me tengas entre tus brazos. Me haces tan feliz que solo pienso en eso, a veces temo que se me olvide respirar.

Te quiero y quiero estar contigo, por primera vez no tengo dudas de que esto es amor. Sé que lo es, sé que si tú me quieres un poquito eso es todo lo que necesito. Te quiero, me gustaría gritártelo, me gustaría besarte y que sintieras el latido de mi corazón. Quiero que sepas que no es de nadie más sino tuyo y que cada sonrisa mía tiene un dejo que solo te pertenece a ti. Quiero quererte y cuidarte, quiéreme un poquito y yo seré aún más feliz.

After 1 year

Dear you,

I hate thinking and writing this… I miss you.

I can’t avoid thinking of what could have been the future for us, just if we had allowed ourselves to happen. I have never stopped thinking of you and it hurts. I wish you could hear me now and see me.

There is an expression that I was never able to understand before you. People said that there is a moment when you meet someone and then all the pain you experienced before doesn’t matter anymore, because the only important thing is that it leads you to that person. You think that pain was worth it just for having that person in front of you. I’m not gonna lie to you, I never did, I thought that was crappy nonsense but then you and the emocional thought of “It doesn’t matter what happened before because now you are here with me” were there. How dumb of myself. I know you didn’t do it on purpose but when you left, my heart shattered in thousands of small pieces. I know you didn’t mean it, you didn’t want to harm me in any way, I give you that but you did anyway and I did it to myself dreaming about us too soon even if it felt right. Since that I still collecting my small parts and when I think I finish… I found another little piece to remind me of your smile. It reminds me of that night when I thought everything was possible. That night when holding you close to me was mutual, when you took my hand between yours and everything was warm and felt like home for the first time in years. I found myself incapable to forget that feeling and still long for it.

I miss you, I miss everything I got from you. I miss your eyes, your hair, the way you play with food and how enthusiastic you were about simple things. I miss the promises you made and you broke. I miss the dates we planned and never had, I miss the feeling when you told me you family knew about me. I miss having you near and a future to look forward to. I miss you and I know you are far away from me, hopefully happier than I could make you.

I hate missing you but everything I had from you.

Needs

I don’t want you to sing to me that song that reminds me what we have. I want to see your eyes singing for me, your smile repeating every word.

I want you to bless my existence, to think what kind of horrible world this could be without me.

I don’t want you to adore me like a goddess, but I want you to see me as a piece of art. See me through every fear, every scar and after the beauty disappears… still want to observe me even closer.

Hold my heart close to you, take me like nobody did before. Own me keeping me free.

Don’t be scared of me or my strange words. Don’t run away…

25/03

Siempre he sabido que mi amor es intenso y denso. Siempre he sabido que mi corazón es cálido y que es dulce en la forma de amar. Lo que nunca he sabido es qué podría hacer si la oportunidad de compartir con alguien se presentara en verdad, si todo aquello que recelosamente ha dormido pudiera despertar.

Quiero que sepas que mi amor no lo mató el miedo, no. Quiero que sepas que si mi amor está condenado a morir, es eso, está condenado ante la idea de su imposibilidad. De la sensación constante de un amor no correspondido porque no puede mostrarse, porque no puede ir y volar… No puede existir en un mundo donde está constantemente impedido de ser. Yo quisiera ser capaz de hablar directamente y sin miedo, poner los puntos sobre las íes, decirte mis sueños y mis desesperanzas. Me gustaría poder decirte abiertamente que me conozcas como soy para que descubras si aún así me quieres, tener la certeza de que me quieres y que en mis ojos negros siempre que me lo pidas no habrá nadie más que tú. Ojalá tú pudieras no solo notarlo, sino darme la paz que viene con la falta de dudas.

Pero no se puede. Mi amor no puede sobrevivir ante la agonía de tener que morir o ver tu afecto desvanecerse.

Pero quiero que sepas que cada célula de mí busca en este momento conocerte y estar cerca de ti. Aunque eso no pueda ser. Que yo hubiera buscado todo por habernos hecho posible.

Angelus

Yo siempre intenté todo lo que pude. Siempre le di al amor eterno “otra oportunidad” como dice esa canción que tanto me gusta, siempre fui aguerrida y con el miedo abrazándome fui valiente. Fui por las respuestas que me asustaban esperando no comprobar las que parecían mis verdades.

Pero esas son mis verdades.

He querido a cada uno de los hombres con los que he salido, a los que he mirado con añoranza o con los que he tenido alguna relación. Los he adorado a cada uno de ellos, he deseado su felicidad por sobre todo y he deseado ser parte de ella. Me dije a mí misma “eres suficiente y alguien te encontrará frágil y bella como una flor que atesorar. Alguien te mirará con ese amor que tú siempre has ofrecido y que nunca ha sido aceptado”. Pero la verdad, la vida, el mundo, como dice ese poema…

“Otro día se acaba y el destino era esto”.

No es culpa de nadie. Culpa sería si no aceptara esta verdad tan evidente ante mis ojos.

Day 15

I miss the illusion of looking at your eyes. I miss the idea that one day your arms were going to hold me tight close to you.

But that’s all I had… me, missing you… not you missing me.

The truth is… if you have chosen me, I would have chosen us every single time. But you couldn’t and accepting the poor love you were willing to give me was humiliating. It broke my heart in small pieces… I never left someone before and you forced me in a situation when it was no other way that leaving…

It hurt.