Agonía

No espero flores, no espero nada.

Duele tener que sepultar mis sueños porque no puedo alcanzarlos, duele el saber que desperdicié años esperando algo que nunca pasará. Duele tener que soltar el aire entre mis brazos porque está vacío y solo estoy yo, sola como siempre he estado. Nada más.

No podrías entender la tristeza que apodera mi corazón, no podrías entender que al cerrar los ojos solo hay desconsuelo. Solo hay ese cielo inalcanzable en el que me engañé pensando. No soy nada, no soy suficiente, no estoy hecha para ello. Este corazón lleno de canciones que en vez de morir se consume en dolor, que espera para volcar su amor completo a borbotones… ya no puedo, este dolor me consume en una forma diferente en la que lo hace mi desesperanza. No puedo más. Nadie nunca, nadie, no existe esa persona, nunca nadie me mirará como en mis sueños y nunca nadie, jamás. Porque me lees y ahora sabes que existo, pero antes en antaño, nada… Estoy segura de que elegirías a todas antes de a mí y eso está bien. Ni siquiera tengo a alguien para morir entre sus brazos.

Este es el caos en que vive en mi alma, en mi ser nacido en la nostalgia. Este es el dolor que me tiene viva deseando la redención. Volver a la nada.

Quiero tomar mi corazón y hacerlo yo misma trizas. Quiero ver toda la sangre a mis pies… Quiero respirar, quiero parar esta oscuridad que me ahoga. Quiero quitarle las maneras de hacerme daño, quiero encontrar mi arma definitiva.

Silencio.

Por favor, no puedo con más agonía.

 

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Beautiful

Couldn’t have been beautiful to have someone to love?

Couldn’t have been beautiful to feel thankful for having him in my arms?

Couldn’t have been beautiful to let all the feelings of despair, I have kept with me, go?

Couldn’t have been beautiful to find home in his presence?

To caress the idea of looking at his green eyes without fear… to adore his smile till madness, to bless every part of him… Couldn’t have been beautiful…?

But here I am with my vain hopes remaining me reality in my darkness.

Reality

I could just be happy with the sound of your voice. That’s the reality. I would have been happy just looking at you. My vision of life was different.

I had those dreams about holding you, I was just in love of the idea of me loving you unconditionally, I wanted to be the best for you… to be the only person you could rely on. I wanted to be the person who would recall you who you were when the time went bad. I had in my mind a life with you. But in some moment I started to have these crazy dreams about seeing Paris with my own eyes, drinking in front of the Seine and I pictured you there with me, holding me so tight we supposed to conquered this world.

To be honest, I would have stopped if you had asked for it. You took your side and then I smiled at the vision of the lumières in the called “the city of love”… But I wanted to let you know that… I could have stopped if you had asked, I could have been happy with the sound of your voice in the morning and the sight of a life with you.

Starry sky

I don’t want to dance alone in the starry sky.

No.

I want to hold someone so close to me, I want to lean my head on his shoulder to let me be. I want to see his face and realize the truth among all those love letters, movies and life. Finally realize that I am free of my burden and in our freedom, we chose each other. He will be my love and my heart will always belong to his and everything I do will start and finish with him… fall in pieces for a kiss, for his breath. Nothing in this world would be like that, he will be so loved that he will feel like he is reborning in my arms.

And if I feel all of this without knowing you, I can not imagine, I can not dream what life will be when finally I get to be with you.

Please come soon and don’t let me hide and lose myself in the hell I create from my fears.

Please come soon and don’t let me alone in the starry sky.

Little star

I miss my little star.

He was always pretending to be right. He smiled at me even when he was about to cry. I remember looking at him when his dreams became to fade. He was vulnerable and failed to hide it.

He didn’t dream enough for his own expectations, trapped in a nightmare that he knew won’t end any sooner but he tried to live. He tried to believe that he chose what was the best for him. He smiled at me when I gave him a cookie in a bad day, he took it like it was the best moment of his day and then I could have chosen to tell him that everything would get better but I let him have that moment.

He was a little dumb and stubborn, and I was in love with him. In love of the idea of him looking at me in a place when everyone just passes around. He wasn’t for me and I knew it, the need to make him feel special destroyed me a little. Once he laughed and reached me, it was the first time he touched me in a familiar way and it changed the game. He let me have a glimpse of what could have been to be together. He broke my heart without realizing it.

When he lost me I can tell, he lost a part of his temporal happiness along with me. I saw him suffering inside without having an answer for it. Why did he care too much? I can tell, I read it in his face. Sometimes he thought everything was going to be like before, like in our good days and his smile faded in front of me so many times that hurted but anything changed. I was just a relief that he didn’t know he needed, but nothing important. He followed his way without looking at me once before leaving, I thought we meant something even if it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I won’t recover from it and he didn’t know.

I miss my little star, I miss his smile when everything was bad. I miss to tell him how bright he was… I miss my little star.