Yo siempre he esperado, eso es. He esperado por esa sonrisa que solo existe en mis sueños, siempre lo miro a lo lejos y él de repente se da cuenta de que yo estoy ahí y me sonríe. Su sonrisa es amplia, sincera y llena de felicidad… de amor. Me abraza porque también ha estado esperándome. Entonces mi corazón se detiene, no, mi corazón que ha estado parado desde la última vez que el amor me mató… renace nuevamente ante su cercanía.
¡Oh qué dicha!, que dicha es la que siento al bailar entre sus brazos. Al saber que solo a mí me mira que baila mal ¡pero yo bailo mal también! pero ambos reímos porque nos divertimos juntos y a cada vaivén nos desvanecemos, oh no, se desvanece el mundo y solo estamos él y yo bailando en el cielo estrellado. Poniendo mi cabeza en su hombro siento que toda la presión se va porque, por fin, sé que tengo un puesto en donde apoyarme, descansar, confiar…
Luego está ahí dormido cerca de mí y su cara es serena. Es perfecto, porque es real y está cerca mío. La alegría me hace sentir que podría llorar ahí mismo, morir ahí mismo y haber sentido que por fin, por fin… vivir había tenido un sentido y que todo el sufrimiento había valido la pena, cada segundo de la espera había valido la pena…
Pero por sobre todas las cosas, en mis sueños él jamás me deja ir. Él me lo dice abiertamente, él me ama y nunca me dejaría sin luchar por mi. Jamás, yo que jamás he sido fundamental para alguien… al fin he encontrado mi hogar, en su mirada, en sus brazos… tan cerca de mi corazón. Dejar al fin de ser esa persona sombría que se ha sentido incompleta toda la vida.
Solo pienso y me pregunto que es esto que tengo dentro, si he estado amando a un hombre inexistente o distante me espera y nos reconoceremos el uno al otro cuando estemos frente a frente. Si al fin mi pena de amar incondicionalmente finalizará… yo siempre me pregunto si tú también me imaginas y esperas a lo lejos.
O eres solo la imaginación que me cree de niña por los cuentos.
I like this guy that seems to have the sea in his eyes, it reminds me that belief I have about how I was born in the night in the dark water of the ocean. But sometimes his eyes remind me of a forest I have never been, reminds me the idea of all the things I don’t know about life and make me wonder what kind of things I don’t know about his eyes and him. I wonder what he can see in me, in those black eyes that have the pride to have been wild all their existence. Let them tell you about all the places I didn’t know I wanted to be before meeting you and how I never got I was lost till I found myself in you.
You have brought me back to my poetry, one day maybe, I could tell the world that it becomes green and blue as your gaze in the morning.
Take my heart out. Please take it. Embrace it among your fingers, it’s now yours.
Let me leave in that state, let me live without that part of me that always killed me from the inside. Keep it with you and it’s gonna love you forever, as a friend, as a lover, as an eternal love. I always wanted to give you that. But if you don’t want it, trash it, sell it, destroy it; don’t let it one second to bother you as it bothered me along the years.
I’m sorry for bothering you this last time, I have never been able to kill it myself.
No espero flores, no espero nada.
Duele tener que sepultar mis sueños porque no puedo alcanzarlos, duele el saber que desperdicié años esperando algo que nunca pasará. Duele tener que soltar el aire entre mis brazos porque está vacío y solo estoy yo, sola como siempre he estado. Nada más.
No podrías entender la tristeza que apodera mi corazón, no podrías entender que al cerrar los ojos solo hay desconsuelo. Solo hay ese cielo inalcanzable en el que me engañé pensando. No soy nada, no soy suficiente, no estoy hecha para ello. Este corazón lleno de canciones que en vez de morir se consume en dolor, que espera para volcar su amor completo a borbotones… ya no puedo, este dolor me consume en una forma diferente en la que lo hace mi desesperanza. No puedo más. Nadie nunca, nadie, no existe esa persona, nunca nadie me mirará como en mis sueños y nunca nadie, jamás. Porque me lees y ahora sabes que existo, pero antes en antaño, nada… Estoy segura de que elegirías a todas antes de a mí y eso está bien. Ni siquiera tengo a alguien para morir entre sus brazos.
Este es el caos en que vive en mi alma, en mi ser nacido en la nostalgia. Este es el dolor que me tiene viva deseando la redención. Volver a la nada.
Quiero tomar mi corazón y hacerlo yo misma trizas. Quiero ver toda la sangre a mis pies… Quiero respirar, quiero parar esta oscuridad que me ahoga. Quiero quitarle las maneras de hacerme daño, quiero encontrar mi arma definitiva.
Por favor, no puedo con más agonía.
Couldn’t have been beautiful to have someone to love?
Couldn’t have been beautiful to feel thankful for having him in my arms?
Couldn’t have been beautiful to let all the feelings of despair, I have kept with me, go?
Couldn’t have been beautiful to find home in his presence?
To caress the idea of looking at his green eyes without fear… to adore his smile till madness, to bless every part of him… Couldn’t have been beautiful…?
But here I am with my vain hopes remaining me reality in my darkness.
I could just be happy with the sound of your voice. That’s the reality. I would have been happy just looking at you. My vision of life was different.
I had those dreams about holding you, I was just in love of the idea of me loving you unconditionally, I wanted to be the best for you… to be the only person you could rely on. I wanted to be the person who would recall you who you were when the time went bad. I had in my mind a life with you. But in some moment I started to have these crazy dreams about seeing Paris with my own eyes, drinking in front of the Seine and I pictured you there with me, holding me so tight we supposed to conquered this world.
To be honest, I would have stopped if you had asked for it. You took your side and then I smiled at the vision of the lumières in the called “the city of love”… But I wanted to let you know that… I could have stopped if you had asked, I could have been happy with the sound of your voice in the morning and the sight of a life with you.
Darse cuenta tristemente… de que te has enamorado de lo único aquello que es capaz de destruirte.
Dale la mano y camina de nuevo.
I don’t want to dance alone in the starry sky.
I want to hold someone so close to me, I want to lean my head on his shoulder to let me be. I want to see his face and realize the truth among all those love letters, movies and life. Finally realize that I am free of my burden and in our freedom, we chose each other. He will be my love and my heart will always belong to his and everything I do will start and finish with him… fall in pieces for a kiss, for his breath. Nothing in this world would be like that, he will be so loved that he will feel like he is reborning in my arms.
And if I feel all of this without knowing you, I can not imagine, I can not dream what life will be when finally I get to be with you.
Please come soon and don’t let me hide and lose myself in the hell I create from my fears.
Please come soon and don’t let me alone in the starry sky.
I miss my little star.
He was always pretending to be right. He smiled at me even when he was about to cry. I remember looking at him when his dreams became to fade. He was vulnerable and failed to hide it.
He didn’t dream enough for his own expectations, trapped in a nightmare that he knew won’t end any sooner but he tried to live. He tried to believe that he chose what was the best for him. He smiled at me when I gave him a cookie in a bad day, he took it like it was the best moment of his day and then I could have chosen to tell him that everything would get better but I let him have that moment.
He was a little dumb and stubborn, and I was in love with him. In love of the idea of him looking at me in a place when everyone just passes around. He wasn’t for me and I knew it, the need to make him feel special destroyed me a little. Once he laughed and reached me, it was the first time he touched me in a familiar way and it changed the game. He let me have a glimpse of what could have been to be together. He broke my heart without realizing it.
When he lost me I can tell, he lost a part of his temporal happiness along with me. I saw him suffering inside without having an answer for it. Why did he care too much? I can tell, I read it in his face. Sometimes he thought everything was going to be like before, like in our good days and his smile faded in front of me so many times that hurted but anything changed. I was just a relief that he didn’t know he needed, but nothing important. He followed his way without looking at me once before leaving, I thought we meant something even if it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I won’t recover from it and he didn’t know.
I miss my little star, I miss his smile when everything was bad. I miss to tell him how bright he was… I miss my little star.
I don’t have love, I’m nothing…